Volume 31, Number 2

Pre-Apocalyptic Meeting Minutes

The committee agrees
That after the apocalypse
Women will not remind you of your mom
Except when it would be kind of nice
Or of that one girl you wanted to date or maybe be.
(Also all questions of whether you want to date or be people
Will be settled and not confusing after the apocalypse
So we can spend that time on cool post-apocalyptic bonfire stuff.)
The committee decrees
That women will not be shrill
But will also speak up already, after the apocalypse,
And women's voices will not do the annoying thing
You know the thing
Ugh, that thing. Well, not after the apocalypse.
And women will not be uptight
And overprepared and make you look bad
But also not flighty or scattered,
No time for that, no, get it together
We have a post-apocalypse to run
According to committee plan.
Women will shoot straight,
Have quiet feelings about who they shot,
Not get their feelings on anyone else, ew,
But definitely have them, in an appealing way.
Speaking of appeal:
The stuff about makeup, hair, and clothes
Is taking the committee way longer than expected
(The committee did not expect this stuff to be hard)
So we're going to table that for now
But it's definitely going to be very clear
By the time the apocalypse is over
And we settle into our post-apocalyptic life.
People who might be mistaken for women
Will be relieved to know that all of this goes double for them:
The shrill, the flighty, and definitely the mom thing,
All sorted and done after the apocalypse.
You may send the committee brownies as thanks for their service
Banana bread would also be fine, don't worry,
The committee is resolved
Not to find it stereotypical, just sincere,
And there will be room for nothing but sincerity
When all this is said and done,
The committee's way.

—Marissa Lingen