Flyin’ at the Eagle Barn
Big C pulls in here ta The Eagle Barn ’bout 7, after the dinner Shirl makes fer him. Shirl ain’t his wife, she’s the woman ’cross the road. Big C—we call him BC when he gets real drunk an’ starts actin’ primitive—BC: Before Christ, get it? Primitive, buddy, primitive. I hafta say, yer a little slow. But Big C ain’t ordinar’ly primitive. He’s got a job drivin’ fer USA BigFood. They’re everywhere. Chug Daddy beer an’ Babe Bars is their top sellers. Anyway, Big C had told his wife ta find another place ta live when he figured out he could live cheaper without her. That wuz cuz Shirl wouldn’t’t give him no trouble. She’s dumb as a cow, blank as white paint, and she’s got some money. Shirl makes dinner fer Big C every night. We like ta picture how he keeps her hummin’.
Yeah, Big C comes ’bout 7, an’ DD usually shows up a little later. They’re both of ’em here most nights ’til ’bout 11 or so. Dinger Dave, he’s 28 an’ bony as them fake pictures the libs like ta show kids ’bout people in Germany. They’re all trumped up, o’ course—the pictures I mean. The kids, they’ll be okay now the ’lection’s over. We’re gonna clean up this country, no more pushin’ fake garbage inta people’s heads, gettin’ ’em all stirred up ’bout fake stuff. Like weather change. Any idiot knows the weather changes. Ya see, Dinger Dave, he’s really skinny cuz he’s got a rule never ta eat nuthin’ green. I’m serious. He eats burgers an’ fries, real American food, an’ ’course he drinks cola an’ beer. Coffee too. If it’s early in the day, you smell his coffee; if he’s at The Eagle Barn, you smell the beer. Big C you always can smell. Period. That bein’ said, DD he makes his bucks fixin’ motorcycles. He’ll work your truck too, but motorcycles is his thing. He wears a leather Harley jacket with lightnin’ bolts—not sure ’xactly how he got that—an’ a T-shirt with a eagle. Lets you know where he’s comin’ from on both counts, the country an’ the bar that is.
Now The Eagle Barn, this is where we rub elbows, the patriots I mean. It useta be part of a farm, but that went bust ’bout 30 years ago. Couldn’t compete with the big money. Then Lenny turned it inta a bar. Lenny, he’s Todd’s son an’ he’s got a way ’bout him. Knows how ta suck some bills outta all our pockets, smilin’ the whole time. I’m jus’ jokin’: Lenny’s okay. An’ everybody ’round here loves the Barn. First thing you see is that it’s still red, like true barns useta be, but Lenny had it painted on the road side of it with blue an’ white stripes in between the red. There’s a huge eagle painted over the stripes. Lets you know where Lenny stands. Us too. Lets you know who’s welcome an’ who’s not. Now I gotta admit the eagle face looks a little like Mr. Bleary—he’s the high school principal, but that’s jus’ coincidence—no hard feelings. It wuz painted by some kid from the high school. I don’t know him, but they say he’s got real talent. Maybe he’s gonna put Swamp Bottom on the map one o’ these days. Speakin’ o’ which, there ain’t no swamp ’round here. That’s jus’ the name. There’s a wet patch over by Route 13, but that don’t count cuz there’s wet spots everywhere. That’s how God made it, right? The bent-lookin’ wing on the eagle is cuz it has ta fit. All in all, it’s a good eagle. Big. Inside, you’ll see the sign taped ta the cash register says it all: If your dollar is green we don’t need it. True News is on the TVs an’ us Eagle guys keep each other up ta date with info off our cell phones. Some jus’ follow TrueOnline, but others follow BigBoot or even Striker. So we know the score, an’ we make sure everybody else knows ’xactly what’s goin’ on, the nature o’ the beast. The libs keep tryin’ ta worm back in, but the ’lection showed the country wised up ta their lies. When you cut out the fraudulent votes, Big Guy #2 wins every time. So we’re flyin’ high that he’s back in again. (Big Guy #1’s God, obviously.) As I said, we keep each other informed, in the loop. There’s a few ladies come ta the Barn, but they’re kinda worn-out lookin’, nuthin’ you’d chase after. I ’magine they jus’ wanna be part o’ the action, but they gotta learn their place. You do realize you can’t trust the newspaper, right? Besides, a man don’t wanna sit in a Barcalounger readin’ a newspaper, fer cryin’ out loud. An’ another thing, who has a meetin’ here after hours ain’t your concern.
All right, now I’ll tell ya how it all started. It wuz a few months after the ’lection, cold as hell an’ nuthin’ really ta do ’round here. By the way, you ever wonder why they say cold as hell when we all know hell is blazin’ hot forever? I wonder ’bout that sometimes. But anyway, we wuz all at the Barn, havin’ our usual good time an’ Big C an’ DD got deep inta how things gonna change now. They wuz really diggin’ down inta the weeds of it, the particular details. Ya see, Big C an’ Dinger Dave, they’s like father an’ son. Incident’lly, what’s big about C is his mouth. He don’t care if yer the boss, some fancy-pants lawyer, or a nice bit o’ leg, he’ll tell ya where ta go. Big C don’t take nuthin’ from nobody. Anyhow, Big C an’ DD they’s like two peas in a pod, a big pea an’ a little pea. No, I didn’t say pee. Whoa, buddy, you lookin’ fer a fight? Jeez…. Okay, as I wuz sayin’, DD’s real name is Darrell Ferrell II. Only when his father wuz around, people couldn’t call DD Little D cuz D #1 wuz a shortie. That bein’ the case, D #2 is Dave—v comes after r, right? Yep, they’s real tight, Big C an’ Dinger Dave. An’ this night they wuz really thinkin’ hard at each other an’ tellin’ us all ’bout how great things gonna be now that Big Guy #2’s back in. Whereat bein’ patriots an’ all, we got ta sayin’ how we should take citizen action ta help Big Guy #2, stand our part ta turn the country ’round an’ set things right. Yeah, we drank a few rounds ta that! You’ll notice there’s a life-size picture o’ Big Guy #2 over there. No offense that it’s near the bathrooms: Lenny put it there ta be sure everyone has ta pass by a couple times per night.
Denny, he’s Lenny’s little brother, said we could all start by givin’ our women a good slap or two, let ’em know we’re boss again, things have changed back—no more women’s libber stuff. Remind ’em they’re wanted in the kitchen an’ the bed. (Exceptions can be made fer the kitchen if they’s specially good in the bed.) I kinda like that idea, the bed part, but it ain’t political enough. Us Eagles need ta Take Political Action, an’ that’s where Big C an’ Dinger Dave wuz goin’. STAND BY FOR THE BIG GUY. Do somethin’ powerful. But then John cut in, he’s big inta religion I’m all fer religion, don’t get me wrong. Show up at church from time ta time, but mostly I think ’bout the philosophy of it. I’m a thinker. ’Bout bein’ a Christian. And a patriot. Both a Christian an’ a patriot, that’s what counts, buddy boy. Onward Christian Soldiers: ya get my drift? Okey-dokey. So John cut in ’bout how we should help The Big Guy by our Christian’ty—no abortion first o’ all, an' no more illegals. They’re Christians, but they’re not like us. Everybody knows that. Not ta mention, no more o’ the libbers pushin’ all this garbage inta our kids’ heads. They can stay in the country, but they gotta behave. Plus say the Pledge of Allegiance every day fer God’s sake. Fer God’s sake an’ ta help th’ other Big Guy.
Whereat Big C an’ Dinger Dave told us that we wuz all jus’ talkin’ local stuff. They wuz thinkin’ bigger. They wuz thinkin’ ’bout headin’ ta Washin’ton ta really Do Somethin’. So we bought ’em another beer an’ asked ’xactly what the plan wuz. ’Course they didn’t have a perfect handle on it jus’ then, but that’s okay: ideas has ta percolate. Big ideas especially. Natur’lly we all talked ’bout it, shot the breeze ’bout the particulars. Big C went through three cigs, he wuz thinkin’ so hard. He keeps T-bac an’ papers on him all times—saves him money an’ if you don’t need so much money, you don’t need so much work, right? Smart old fella, that Big C. Meanwhile, skinny ole DD is chompin’ chips an’ doin’ his part ta think o’ Somethin’ Big. An’ that’s where we all wuz when the bombshell hit. DD wuz jus’ starin’ inta his cell phone considerin’ the issue when he saw somethin’ at BigBoot ’bout how Big Guy #2 needs lotsa patriots, everywhere but specially in Washin’ton. With everything startin’ over new, we gotta clean house. Clean out the bad people, Congress, libber judges, fire the worms o’ course, but also Big Guy #2 needs lotsa Registered Citizens ta watch an’ help enforce. Watchers need ta check on what’s slippin’ through at various departments, keep an eye on papers passin’ ’round, watch fer fake news people an’ pointy heads. Stuff like that. College kids too. Heads up all around. Now Big C an’ Dinger Dave ain’t stuffed shirts or nuthin’, but they figured they could pitch in. Jus’ because you ain’t a lawyer don’t mean ya can’t know right from wrong. An’ that wuz it, right there! They wuz goin’ ta Washin’ton ta do a reconnaissance op’ration.
It wuz almost the next day I think when they took off in Big C’s ole Chevy Impala. A pretty blue ’84 in case yer interested. They aimed ta do their part ta see the worms ain’t slitherin’ ’round with tricks up their sleeves. They took ’em some clothes, two coolers o’ food, an’ a little change; an’ they headed south. Prob’bly got the money off Shirl: DD’s Marji don’t have ’nough money even ta take care o’ her two kids. Ta be honest, the kids is both Marji’s an’ DD’s cuz they’re married, but now the revolution’s on, Marji’s gonna havta figure it out. By the way, Dinger Dave’s kids is named Darrell Ferrell III an’ Chastity. The country needs idea men like DD. Him an’ Big C, they planned ta find a parkin’ lot an’ sleep in the car. Not jus’ ta save money, but so they’d always be ready fer ’mergency action. Still, if worse wuz gonna go ta worse, BigBoot an’ Striker tell ya cheap hotels that ain’t in bad neighborhoods. If ya travel, ya gotta be sure ya know where the bad neighborhoods is, ya know? I don’t think they had a map, but any idiot knows road signs should say how ta get ta the cap’tal, right?
Fer sure it wuz good Big C had DD ridin’ shotgun. Big C is a professional driver, like I said, but Dave
knows how ta smoke out the B.S. See, workin’ on cycles he’s gotten ta know some o’ the stuffed shirts ’round here. Dinger Dave sees through folks like that, the suits an’ the college people. Yep, he wuz prob’bly good ta see where there wuz gonna be trouble an’ where they should steer clear. Then it wuz good news, bad news as they say; but actually it wuz bad news, bad news, good news. Ya see, first o’ all, the road signs got really complicated an’ it took a while fer them ta even say Washington, the signs I mean. Fer cryin’ out loud, can you imagine a country so bad the road signs don’t tell ya how ta get ta the cap’tal? That’s the seat o’ government fer cripes’ sake! Where everything’s decided. That needs ta be corrected if ya ask me. Well, after a while they pulled in. Only they wuzn’t sure ’xactly where ta go: let me tell ya, that patch o’ ground spreads like Bull Thistle over pasture. In lotsa parts it wuz jus’ houses stretchin’ from here ’til Sunday, an’ then in the shoppin’ part there wuzn’t nice parkin’-lot malls. What a mess. That’s our government for ya. They wuzn’t gonna pay $20 fer jus’ one night in one friggin’ garage cuz they planned ta be on the reconnaissance fer some time, ta stake out how it wuz gonna go down. Ta be honest, they felt kinda trapped at first, but then they realized the situation is left over from the libbers, who try ta make money off o’ everything. That’ll be one o’ the first things Big Guy #2’s gonna fix, free parkin’ fer everybody. You betcha. Anyway, they finally hadta turn on the Striker site, which said go ta the Golden. That’s the hotel where Big Guy #2’s strongest base always stays. And there wuz $15 parkin’ underneath it, with $3 straight off the top fer The Big Guy. Now that wuz def’nitely good! We gotta grease the wheels an’ beef up his back. So Big C an’ Dinger Dave signed in, jus’ like that, right there at base camp.
Speakin’ o’ which, we get ta more good news, an’ it’s all good from here on out, buddy. By the way, yer real slow on that beer. Loosen up fer cryin’ out loud. This is a friendly place. Anyhoo, where wuz I? Big C an’ Dinger Dave wuz signed in with the base. After they saw their room, which wuz real nice—free coffee maker an’ all the ice cubes you want—they decided ta congregate down at the lounge ta see if they could tie in with some patriot stand-bys stayin’ there. They jus’ acted real casual, like they wuz waitin’ fer another party, an’ sure ’nough! There wuz some regular families passin’ through, seein’ the sights I guess, but Big C an’ DD hit the jackpot an’ made ’quaintance with a bunch o’ base talent. I forget their names ’cept fer Leonard an’ Stefan, two ’ssociates all the way from Illinois. Okay, so Big C an’ DD made contact. Result o’ which, now all us Eagles can make use o’ the info when we settle on ’xactly what our game plan’s gonna be. It worked out nice an’ easy that Big C an’ DD got ta know Leonard an’ Stefan real tight over a coupla days. Incident’lly, C stands fer Carter, but what kinda man wants that name? Anyhow, L an’ S they’s two other peas in the pod—an’ don’t give me that joke again, buddy. Leonard’s a lot older, so he’s got more vision ’bout the situation. But Stefan he’s got young-buck energy an’ he’s built hard an’ dresses like a real Striker: no messin’ ’round. On account o’ which they’s a good team. We’re real glad ta make their ’quaintance. L an’ S wuz waitin’ fer some other parties ta show up, even higher up Strikers.
While they wuz waitin’, L an’ S started checkin’ out Big C an’ Dinger Dave real careful, but it wuzn’t no malice aforeplay. Smart patriots is careful patriots. Big C an’ DD passed o’ course, an’ L an’ S started showin’ ’em the ropes, so ta speak. L an’ S had a map with all the ’portant places marked in yellow. Yellow is fer Watch Out, right? That’s just a joke—sort of. Yellow wuz ta make things easy ta see. When the high-ups showed, things really revved cuz they got power connections. An’ all this time, Big C an’ Dinger Dave wuz textin’ back here ta The Eagle Barn so we’d be up ta date. Well, what happened wuz, when those bigshot Strikers come to the Golden, they got told ’bout Big C an’ DD. All those inside guys wuz hunkered down talkin’ in L an’ S’s room. Our fellas couldn’t get in cuz it wuz high secur’ty, but after some time the lead Strikers called fer ’em an’ started askin’ a million questions ’bout all their deets. They hadta make sure our guys wuzn’t no worms or secret libbers. Makes perfect obvious sense. Big C an’ DD told ’em all ’bout The Eagle Barn an’ invited ’em up sometime. As I notated, people can do a private muster here after hours. Plus our guys let ’em know they wuz itchin’ fer action, taser-focused on doin’ a piece o’ business fer Big Guy #2. ’Course that means fer the country too, cuz BG2 an’ the country is the same, right? On top o’ which, BG1 is lookin’ down over all o’ it. Didja catch that one? On top o’ which: up in the sky, God. Come on! Like I said, now the ’lection’s over, we’re startin’ fresh. BG2’s takin’ us back on course. BG1, BG2, USA: it makes simple sense. It ain’t complicated. Good stuff ain’t never complicated—God or man–woman or right thing–wrong thing. You jus’ gotta keep the fake garbage outta yer head. That’s what gets everybody all confused an’ riled up. When yer on the right path, buddy, yer all peaceful. You betcha we whoop it up at The Eagle Barn, but we’re still peaceful.
As I wuz sayin’, the big-wheel Strikers is def’nitely all business all the time—way more than L an’ S, but that’s okay. They’re redoin’ the country fer cryin’ out loud. They’re real classy: sharp clothes an jus’ watchin’ ’em, you can see they’re useta bein’ ’round top brass. They know the inside score. Big C says they kinda blend inta the city picture, almost like they could be government guys. They musta been major league in makin’ the revolution come off. Yessir. Well now, after that private meetin’ an’ then conversin’ with Big C an’ Dinger Dave, these high-up Strikers ’nnounced Big C an’ DD is in, missions assigned an’ to be accomplished. Amen.
Big C bein’ a professional driver, he’s gonna be Lead Chauffe’r, Numero Uno as they say in Hollywood, California, for J——. Sorry, I can’t divulge further. J—— is very important: he’s in the cap’tal full time. He goes all over—to the cap’tol building, Supreme Court, Pentagon. He’s everywhere. Hands down, Big C got a big-time gig. He’ll be seein’ a lot an’ obviously he’s gonna meet all the suits.
Ditto Dinger Dave. He got top drawer too. He’s workin’ fer one o’ the ladies in Congress, right on Cap’tol Hill! He goes in an’ outta that buildin’ every day, whenever he feels like it. Cuz he’s got an official photograph badge. He helps the lady with all kinds o’ things. She’s from out West, I can’t remember ’xactly where. DD he takes stuff from her office ta other people’s offices (patriot people only, that is) an’ also ta other places ’round town. Cuz one thing DD learned real quick is ya gotta have an alternative. See, the defenders in Washin’ton, they don’t go through regular channels cuz there’s still worms an’ libbers hidin’ there. ’Til we finish flushin’ ’em out, ya gotta be careful. So DD goes the alternative route, an’ he does other stuff fer her too. He stays near behind her at those photo ops, an’ he knows her personal so she lets him pick up her kids from school, take care o’ her dog, an’ other stuff. This lady, she ain’t shy ’bout how she packs a gun cuz she tells DD all the time, Let Your Presence Be Known. On top o’ which she ’splains how Citizens gotta enforce back at home, ta keep things movin’ right.
Now here’s where DD’s Marji’s gonna come in. She’s gonna be ’portant cuz we’re jackin’ the revolution local. Ya see, Marji she works in the courthouse, so she sees lotsa papers. The Strikers say that’ll be specially useful: she’s gonna take photos an’ pass on info ’bout stuff that needs ’ttention in Washin’ton. When the time’s right, they’ll tell her how ta operate. Women gotta do their part, as told o’ course.
Marji’s sister Anji teaches at the element’ry school, an’ that’s more good news. The big wheels got a job fer her also—an’ the other ladies there besides. Anji, she’s a strong Christian woman so she takes the opportun’ty ta let kids know ‘bout Christ Jesus. Keep their minds clean. Some o’ the other teachers is already on board too—’bout both Christ an’ the revolution I mean. Here in Swamp Bottom we’re pushin’ the fast-forward button. Yessir.
On account o’ all this, you can prob’bly see here at The Eagle Barn we wuz ahead o’ the curve all along. Big C an’ Dinger Dave is both passed ta get their Registered Citizen cards, so we figure us Eagle guys can get sworn in too. Cuz we’re backin’ up Big Guys #1 an’ #2 both, rock solid, chapter ’n’ verse. Yeah it’s all A-OK from here on out, buddy.
All righty, now yer in the know, you drop by any time. We’ll put ya in the loop. Somebody useta say It’s Mornin’ in America—who wuz that? I kinda like the ring o’ it. Sounds real pleasant. Like I said, yer welcome ta drop by any time. An’ don’t worry ’bout that beer. It’s my pleasure. We’re real hospitable here at The Eagle Barn.
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