Volume 35, Number 1


is glorious.
I’m applying for a patent to bottle it 
and sell it, with chisel-tipped 
hypodermic needles. I will offer 
a few varieties, tailored to your needs: 

Lidocaine Haze Shock: So numbing
you can give precise directions 
to your apartment, taking care 
to note the one-way streets,
in the same conversation  
where you find out half your family is 
dead. You can bring a full box 
of tissues for the drive through two states 
and not use a single one.

In high-stress situations, 
you can improve your response 
with Enhanced Efficiency Shock.
You can go to a cemetery 
and pick out the best site—
close to a shady tree, the water 
spigot, and somebody else’s 
pearly white guardian angel, 
all before the detectives
finish collecting evidence. 

With Nurturing Shock
you can choose the last clothes 
your dad will ever wear 
with the same loving eye for detail
as if you were helping him decide
what to wear for your sister’s wedding. 
It’s the same suit, anyway. 
You can check the photo 
of the father-daughter dance 
for accuracy.

Just one dose of Extra-Strength Shock
and you can survive a week on 
three hours of sleep. And with almost 
no side effects—you won’t distinguish 
the dulling effects of one from the other. 
Be advised: This dose is available only
through a nonrenewable prescription.  

No appetite? No problem 
with Nourishing Shock.
After that first day of learning how to 
swallow again—Extra-Strength Shock
does come with a few minor side effects—
you may be at risk of fainting 
from hunger if you fail to follow up 
with a measure of Nourishing Shock.
You can eat your prescribed 
meals of cheese, veggie and meat lasagna
and start a habit of chasing them down 
with dark chocolate. At breakfast, too. 

When shock begins to wear off 
in the morning before you open your eyes 
you may have a problem. 
Nothing a dose of Lightning Quick Shock
can’t cure. Keep by your bedside 
and use at the first sign of consciousness. 
Continue for six to eight weeks,
or as needed. This drug has been known 
to promote dependence.

Coming soon to a retailer near you: 
for problems that have no cure, 
the best quick fix is within reach. 
Testing on human subjects
completed with promising results.

—Becky DeVito